Behind The Scenes

This is my version of Bill Maher's "New Rules."

HOSPITAL NEW RULES:

If you check into a hospital for a procedure, the phlebotomist must actually look at the orders when she is verifying the name of the patient. A patient's wife gets uneasy when blood is taken for no reason. By the way, I can hear everyone talking about the confusion at the nurses station!

Student nurses should not be allowed to put in, or take out, IV's on a Cumadin patient, especially in a hospital we are paying OUT THE NOSE for! Cumadin makes a person bleed. You don't have many chances to do it right.

Patients should be able to order take out, if it's been over 3 hours since lunch was ordered.

When traveling to St. George, DON'T GET SICK! Your spouse will be put in the Psych Ward because of the staff's slow speech! I hear "compound" accents!

Cardiac Surgeons must realize that all their patients aren't hard of hearing. Don't come in the room shouting. I'm only 46 and my hearing is just fine! We are smiling because we are laughing at you!

Spouses must not be allowed to watch a cardiac conversion, especially if the patient is not medicated enough! The paddle leaves a red burn for a reason. IT HURTS LIKE HELL!

AND FINALLY:

Specialty doctors have their place, but they must communicate with each other. We go to the Electrician, who refers us to the Plumber, who tells us to go to our Primary Care Physician, who is out of town. We go to the ER and they give us medicine that they shouldn't, admit us, adjust our medicine and we practically bleed to death when we go home. Then the headaches start all over again. OHMYHELL!